This video is an excellent talk put on by Dr Tienie Bekker about trauma, the brain, and the Feb 22 earthquake. It is 40 mins long, but it contains excellent information about how the brain reacts to trauma and warning signs which may indicate deeper problems which need to be addressed. Dr Bekker is talking specifically about the Feb 22 earthquake to staff at Canterbury University. I would highly recommend checking it out for information, if you are wondering whether you may need some extra help, or so that you are more able to assist others. He also talks towards the end about the effects on children. (A big thanks to trademe user Hutt for this!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88uHqA-Zp0Y

We got it from a trademe discussion board where many people have found it useful. The original link and commentary are here.

A traumatic incident is any event that has a stressful impact sufficient to overwhelm our usual coping strategies.  Traumatic incidents are usually sudden and shocking and outside the range of ordinary human experience.  Examples of traumatic incidents include accidents, violent assaults, suicides or suicide attempts by friends or family members and natural disasters e.g., earthquakes and floods. There are strong emotional effects associated with traumatic incidents which are often described as ‘normal responses to abnormal events’.

Learning to recognise the normal reactions and emotions that occur following an abnormal event can help you to understand and feel more at ease with these feelings. This in turn can help you adjust to what has happened.

Common Reactions to Trauma

Each person’s experience is unique, however there are some common reactions among people caught up in a traumatic event. It can be reassuring to know that these reactions are not unusual. Expressing your feelings and talking about your reactions helps.

Some common reactions and feelings are:

Shock

Disbelief at what has happened.
Numbness – the event may seem unreal like a dream.

Fears

Of death or damage to yourself.
Recurrence of the event.
Personal vulnerability – it may be difficult to admit that you are vulnerable.
You may have panicky irrational feelings.
Other apparently unrelated fears my appear.

Anger

Outrage at what has happened or at who ‘caused it or allowed it to happen’.
Anger at the injustice and senselessness of it all.
Anger at medical personnel or police for not acting properly or quickly enough.

Helplessness

Traumatic incidents can show up our human powerlessness to prevent some things from happening.

Sadness

About human destruction and losses of every kind.
For the loss of the belief that the world is safe and predictable.

Shame

For having been exposed as helpless, emotional and needing others.
For perhaps not having reacted as you would have wished.

Different reactions to trauma may occur as time goes by. They usually only last for a short period of time and gradually diminish over the first few weeks. However, sometimes reactions may not appear until some time after the event.

Effects on Behaviour

Tension: You may be more easily startled and agitated.

Sleep Disturbances: You may be finding it difficult to sleep. You might be having thoughts that prevent sleep e.g., a fear of an aftershock, or thinking about the initial quake over and over in your head.

Dreams and Nightmares: You may be dreaming about the incident or other frightening events.

Flashbacks: You may feel that you are re-experiencing the event again and again.

Fearfulness: You may be frightened by reminders of the incident e.g., the place it happened.

Intrusive memories and feelings: Your concentration may be affected by memories, flashbacks and feelings about the event. You may be trying to shut these out which leads to deadening of feelings and thoughts.

Irritability: Your mood may swing up and down. One minute you may be feeling happy and the next
minute very sad or angry.

Depression: You may feel depressed about the event or past events or guilty about how you behaved.

Social Withdrawal: You may have a strong desire to be alone (or you may fear being alone).

Physical Sensations

You may be experiencing a range of physical sensations. These might include:
tiredness, palpitations, tremors, breathing difficulties, headaches, tense muscles, aches and pains, loss of appetite, loss of interest in sex, nausea, diarrhoea or constipation.

Delayed Effects: Any of these effects may occur months or even years after it feels like you have “gotten over it.” Something may suddenly trigger a memory, and some or all of the feelings may come back for a short time. Don’t panic. This is normal and it does not mean you are crazy. The feelings will go away again. But the best way to deal with those feelings (and to make them less likely to recur again) is to deal with them using the techniques that you found most successful in the past — unless that technique was to simply try to ignore them! Ignored feelings have a nasty habit of popping back up at unexpected and annoying times!

All these symptoms are a normal way of reacting to a traumatic event like an earthquake. But they can still be very distressing for you and your family. Simply knowing that it is normal for you or your spouse or friends to feel this way can go a long way to minimising that distress.

What can help?

For Yourself :

• Rest more
• Have contact with friends
• Try not to fight recurring thoughts, dreams and flashbacks
• Have someone stay with you for at least a few hours in a day
• Maintain your usual schedule as much as possible
• Eat balanced meals regularly. Eating a little more often may help
• Do some physical activity
• Express your feelings as they arise
• Talk to people who care about you
• Talk to a professional counsellor if your feelings are too intense or are prolonged

For supporting Family Members and Friends in need:

• Listen carefully, but be sensitive to the fact that some people don’t want or need advice or for someone to solve their problems. They just need to be heard.
• Spend time with the traumatised person
• Offer support even if you haven’t been asked for help
• Offer realistic reassurance that they are safe
• Help with everyday tasks e.g., cooking and cleaning (Who couldn’t benefit from having their garden weeded for them?)
• Allow privacy
• Don’t take their anger or other feelings personally
• Don’t tell them they are “lucky it wasn’t worse” or give unrealistic advice. This isn’t consoling, instead it minimises the traumatised person’s feelings and experience.
• Tell them that you are sorry such an event occurred and that you want to understand and assist them
• Help them to feel ok about getting counselling. As we like to say, “anyone who has been through a traumatic experience and does NOT get counselling ought to have their head examined!!!” Counselling is NOT a sign of weakness or mental illness. It is a proactive way to deal with normal problems. No one should feel (or be made to feel) ashamed or embarrassed about it.

There are a number of counselling services both provided by the Employers association or Lifeline or Youthline are a good source of Free or low cost help. Mensline is also a good place for men to go to talk!

Many Cantabrians have been in a hell for a prolonged period of time, living in extreme fear, deprived of sleep, stressed and then discovered the basis of getting through each day: i.e., that matters weren’t going to get any worse and all was on the upper. Well that belief was stolen from us.

Remember this: when you come out of the storm, nature has a way of giving a high exceeding in the opposite spectrum what you have suffered, so we are due some very sunny time.

So plenty of ingredients there for being worn down: Living like that can and will deplete the body of minerals, exasperating the problems.

Sleep, diet and replenishing minerals are all vital. Stress will drain serotonin this must be replaced.

Time away from current environment is a great start if not essential. Those of us outside of Christchurch and not caught up in the mess need to understand this and do what we can to supply that time away — well away — be it in holiday home, batches etc (and not for profit). This support will have to be for the longer term and not just in first months.

(Posted by Tradme member Mrdairyflat of the Hibiscus coast. Thanks to him for sharing his thoughts and concerns with those of us down here in Christchurch. The entire discussion that ensued on the discussion board can be found here. Feel free to carry on the discussion on that thread, or email us with your thoughts, reactions, opinions, or links to other helpful resources. Mensline Can be reached on menslinechristchurch@gmail.com)

The greatest control comes from deciding not to control.
-Joel Stein, Time Magazine

I love this quote because it represents my own biggest turning point in changing my marriage from dysfunctional to happy.  I didn’t decide to cede control to my husband because I thought it would result in his loving me more (though it did), but because I had no other option.  He had shown me clearly, with an affair, that not only was I not going to control him, but that he would be able to do just fine without my input, thank you very much.

And so, convinced that my marriage was over, I turned to myself.  Who did I want to be?  How did I want to act towards others?  How would I take control of myself, and cede control of things out of my power?  What I found shocked me.  Giving up the idea that I could single handedly control the direction of my life freed me!  I could expend all that energy I had been using to try to keep life events (and my husband) under control on something much more important – making myself emotionally and physically healthy again. In so doing, I was suddenly relieved of much of my anger, some of which was the result of so much lack of success at trying to control what was going on.  I was empowered again.  I felt better about myself…and it showed.

So much so, in fact, that my husband took notice, even with the other woman hanging around.  I commend him for making the decision to trust me when I told him I had had an epiphany that changed my attitude towards myself and us forever, rather than listen to the skeptics who said it was “impossible.”  He took a chance because he really did want our marriage to work, and because I had already shown him what the “new me” looked like for just long enough that he could see it was a big change.

I encourage you all to look at your role in your relationship, particularly those of you who are in parent/child relationships, and gain control by deciding not to control.  Don’t wait for an affair to bring the issue front and center.

To sign up for Melissa Orlov’s newsletter “Heart to Heart” click here.

For more articles by Melissa, click here. Her articles are angled towards couples with ADHD, but a lot of the insights apply well to any relationship.

Do you have someone trying to control you? If so, what can you do to make them feel less anxious?

Are you feeling anxious? If so, what can you do to increase your sense of control over your own life? Of course, we can’t control whether there are earthquakes, but if you are feeling anxious, you can do things to FEEL more in control. Clean the house, do the garden, or help a neighbour. There are few things that can help us feel more in control of our own problems as if we are helping someone else with theirs.

Do you have an insight we could share on this page? Please email it to us at: menslinechristchurch@gmail.com

In the meantime, Mensline will continue to meet at Jeff Clark’s house at 86 Westholme st, Bryndwr. As per usual, the meeting will run 7:30 (sharp) to 9:30.

Munted Mates

In addition to our usual weekly mensgroup (details below) we are co-sponsoring a special fortnightly earthquake debrief called “Munted Mates“.

Next Munted Mates meetings are: Thursday 25 August, 8 September, and 22 September. All meetings are at 7:30 pm at the St Faiths Church Hall, New Brighton. Click here for details.

Questions?

Phone Jeff on 354-0035 or 027-510-2841. For questions about Munted Mates, phone or text Peter on 021-947-032. For general mensline questions, you can also contact Martin or Howard (details on the “contacts” link on the top of this page).

If transportation is a problem, it might be possible to arrange carpooling. If you are coming and might be able to offer a ride, why not let Jeff know in advance? That way he can help connect those needing rides with those able to offer them.

As always, the meetings are open to any man who would like to talk about personal issues. If you know a man who might benefit from a meeting like this, please email him this link, or text the relevant information to him. We had a fantastic meeting last night, and there were 8 of us there. But we know that there are more than 8 men in Christchurch who will need support and who will want to talk about what is going on for them. Please help them out by spreading the word.

Thanks!

Questions? Phone Jeff on 354-0035 or 027-510-2841.

If transportation is a problem, it might be possible to arrange carpooling. If you are coming and might be able to offer a ride, why not let Jeff know in advance? That way he can help connect those needing rides with those able to offer them.

We may be holding another meeting on Thursday in Southshore, to enable residents of the East side easier access to the group. Details to follow.

As always, the meetings are open to any man who would like to talk about personal issues, whether it be the earthquake or any other issue affecting his life. If you know a man who might benefit from a meeting like this, please email him this link, or text the relevant information to him.

After all, what man couldn’t use the chance to talk about what’s been happening for him in the last week?

In addition to our weekly mens group (details below) Mensline is holding a Mens Weekend this year.

It will be at Governors Bay on 25 to 27 February. The cost is a bargain-basement $100. For more details, click here.

We invite you to our weekly Men’s Group

Come any Tuesday evening 7.30 sharp* to 9:30.

At Community House, 141 Hereford Street

(Between Colombo and Manchester, in the old Trust Bank building)

$5 donation

Take Action on issues affecting your life in the safe confidential environment of Mensline

• Solve problems
• Be heard
• Be respected
• Talk in confidence

Explore ways of developing better, more fulfilling relationships with:

• Partners
• Family
• Friends
• Children

Come once, come twice, or come every Tuesday for a year.

Mensline is an open men’s group and any man is welcome.

*Sorry, no late comers.